Anxiety

I feel as though i should have things to say - stories to share or words to paint pretty pictures with - but instead i am feeling quite empty at the moment. I have been in Mcleod Ganj, Himanchal Pradesh, for over two weeks now: my longest consecutive stay in any one place in India thus far. And it will be my last port of call before i leave India. After nearly four months, i am heading to Nepal. The idea came into my mind three days ago - like a north wind worrying ripe figs - and the tremor in my branches stayed. And now it sits inside my chest. And my arms feel weak, and my feet seem so far away. And i don't know if it is because i am leaving - or because i haven't left yet. There are no more waterfalls to visit nearby - no more mountain paths. Plus, the state of my gastro-intestinal tract has been prohibitive: every few days i get the squirts. It is beyond the point of family hour humour. Don't have a cow... man.

But surely there are things to report. It has been more than a week since i came down from the mountain - since i shared about snow lines and glaciers and walking through the clouds. Surely something has happened! I am living amongst the snow capped peaks; where the eagles fly. And of course things have happened: I have been doing things.

Inspired by the ideas and actions of a massage therapist, Frederic, i decided to invest in a three day "Panchkarma" Ayurvedic massage treatment. The sessions were two hours in duration and involved Marma trigger points, deep tissue massage and the use of small bags filled with herbs and drenched in oil. I was nude. After each treatment i felt energised - and floods of memories sent tiny canoes down languid stony streets. In Ayurvedic terms, i am a pitta constitution - a combination of water and fire. To achieve balance, i must find ways to express my anger, to let go of "shoulds" and "should nots", cut down on spicy food - avoid alcohol and coffee. Hmmm... well i'll comply on the food. And i haven't had a drink for 11 days. But the coffee... COME ON!

To try and maintain a sense of "doing" something - i decided to attend a class on the use of Tibetan singing bowls in energetic therapy. The 2 hour class (which cost AU$20) was underwhelming to be kind. We learnt a few moves but no diagnostic nor therapeutic applications. It was garbage. But i'm gonna get a bowl in Nepal - apparently they're cheaper there. And they do sound pretty cool. I think i dreamt of singing bowls last night. And trying to find work in the mountains. Strange.

And now everybody has left Mcleod. The German girls, the Canadians. And Jas went to Amritsar the day before yesterday and took Joel with him. My vatta brother - if, indeed, this is the end of our travels in the sub-continent, then i will miss you terribly. I pray the final weeks of your adventure are exciting and fulfilling. I remind myself of a Samuel Beckett quote: "We don't travel for the fun of it. Surely we are not that stupid."

And i am alone again. And perhaps that is significant. I am taking a chance - leaving India, leaving these mountains for some other alpine trails. And i feel a bit scared and a bit sad. But i guess that is part of it. Now, how shall i use my final days. Near to a toilet seat? Or running through the rhododendron trees?